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The Bulletin of Bizarre-1/31/13

31 Jan

monkey_glasses

By Scott Peterson

Hello everyone.  Scott here again.  Brace yourself because I’ve decided to start a new weekly column aptly titled The Bulletin of Bizarre. I noticed that there are some really strange stories that appear in the news everyday and like loose change under your couch cushion, they get lost in the shuffle and never see the light of day. What scares me is that we live among these daywalkers.  They are our neighbors, our brothers, our sisters, the lady standing in front of us in line at the grocery store.  So I’d like to share this wall of weird with all of you. This weekly article will offend many and if used correctly will probably save lives.  This is my donation to society.  I urge each and every one of you to email me if you see something in the news that is so f***d up, that it just has to be true.  I will post them each week.

Okay, are you ready? The following stories are all real-life true stories. I have changed no names to protect the innocent because if I call you out in this article, you are definitely not innocent.  Let’s do this. Rapid fire time.

We will start off in Iceland because as you know, all truly great stories start off in Iceland. An Icelandic 15-year-old female known simply as “girl” has finally won the right to use her birth name Blaer Bjarkardottir.  Say that name three times real fast.  I dare you. Nevermind, say that name one time real slow.  You can’t do it.  You lose either way.  Anyway, I find it bizarre that this 15-year-old known as “girl” fought so hard to be called a name that sounds like a sexually transmitted disease because Icelandic officials found the name Blaer Bjarkardottir “not feminine enough”. Here in America, we find it cool and trendy when a celebrity names their child something ridiculous like “girl”.  We have it all backwards. How long until someone like Penn Gillette’s daughter named Moxie Crimefighter petitions the court to be simply known as “She”?

Let’s span the globe and head over to Asia where a mob of wild monkeys went “ape shit” in a small village in Eastern Indonesia.  Apparently this gang of monkeys was entering houses and attacking people.  My sources tell me that this rampage had been “planned” for years. They have absolutely had it with being negatively portrayed in Hollywood films like King Kong, Gorrilas in the Mist, Monkey Shines, and Curious George.  The word on the street is that one of these little bastards left an autographed DVD copy of Rise of the Planet of the Apes with one of the victims.  The victim has since put the DVD up for sale on Ebay.  Those of you who know me, know that I have a BIG problem with monkeys. I can look past the feces flinging and the fact that they all have gingivitis. We have all known someone who slings shit or has bad teeth.  What bothers me the most about monkeys, is that every time I hear about an attack on a man, it almost always involves the monkey ripping off a man’s penis.  I’m sorry but that crosses the line.  You want to bite off my fingers or gauge my eyes out, that’s fair game. I can appreciate that. But once you start trying to rip off a man’s dick and balls, you aren’t trying to just win the fight, you are trying to shame him. Unacceptable!  When I start a random bar fight and try ducking out the back door, it never occurs to me to grab another man’s penis. Well maybe this one time…

Speaking of penis, legendary porn star Ron Jeremy was hospitalized at Cedars Sinai late Tuesday. If you have an erection lasting longer then 35 years, please consult a physician.  Someone didn’t get the memo.

From porn star to pop star.  Rihanna is in the news because she recently opened up to Rolling Stone magazine about getting back together with former boyfriend/pop star/boxer Chris Brown.  She finally decided ” it was more important for me to be happy”. It has to be fate.  I don’t know about you but I can absolutely picture the two of them lounging by the pool going through their photo album.  “Here is Chris and I vacationing on St. Barts.  Look no tan lines. Here’s a good one of my face after Chris tried to recreate the ending of Rocky 2”.  What is wrong with people? You are worth millions. You are famous.  You can get any guy you want.  Why would you go back to the guy who thought so much of you that he used your face as a pinata?

Each year, 1 in 6 Americans or 48 million people get sick from food poisoning.  According to the CDC, this number includes 128,000 hospitalizations and more than 3,000 deaths.  So, I’m thinking the leading cause is spoiled food or undercooked meat.  Nope.  The number one cause of food poisoning is…drum roll…Lettuce and spinach. WHAT? This absolutely confirms that it doesn’t pay to eat healthy.  You mean to tell me I can die by eating lettuce or spinach? That just sealed the deal.  Done!  I didn’t want to eat that trash anyway.  If I’m going out, I’m going out eating a brownie sundae or cheese fries with extra bacon.  The CDC has no proof of anyone every dying from eating a Twinkie.

Our “Filthy Animal of the Week” award goes to Mr. Osmer Hernandez out of good old New Orleans, Louisiana.  Our friend Osmer was allegedly staggering down the street all boozed up late Monday night. Okay, that’s no biggie.. it’s New Orleans, it would be abnormal to see someone actually walking in a straight line. So business owners called and complained and the New Orleans Police Department were quickly dispatched.  As the NOPD got closer, they realized that Osmer wasn’t wearing any pants.  Okay, again, not out of the ordinary.  Liquored up, random, half-naked Mexican on the bayou.  Been there done that. Not too crazy! But Osmer had to take it up another level. Once the police got even closer to question Mr. Hernandez, he quickly burst in to song and started to masturbate. Huh? I’m sorry but Osmer Hernandez of New Orleans, Louisiana is a filthy animal.  The one thing that bothers me about this story isn’t the public intoxication or Osmer playing with his junk in front of law enforcement.  I can live with that.  What is really eating at me is that I absolutely have to know what song he was singing! It’s driving me crazy. My sources also tell me Osmer was in Eastern Indonesia two days ago.

There you have it.  These were the stories this week that caught my eyes and rattled my dreams.  The moral of today’s stories…appreciate your name.  As bad as you think you have it, your name is not Moxie Crimefighter. Popeye never told us we could die from eating spinach. And most importantly stay away from monkeys and half-naked singing masturbating Mexicans.  Have a great weekend everyone!
 

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