by Scott Peterson
Hello everyone. Scott here. Again. Those of you expecting to see Steve back from hiatus, might want to go ahead and bump your expectations down a notch. He is still currently on a mission to find out the meaning of life and why his car insurance went up $36 last month. The last I heard, he was having a character breakfast with his family at the Three Broomsticks Restaurant at Universal’s Islands of Adventure. He has grown a beard and was last seen taking the battery out of his phone to avoid detection. So, while he is off the grid doing his best Brody from Homeland imitation, I will march on in his honor.
Let’s cut to the chase. You know the drill. Any and all subjects are on the table. This week there are many random musings that, at the very least, have irked me. As always, everything I’m about to write is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Except for the things I lie about. Seeing that the world is ending in ten days, let’s point out some signs of the apocolypse. First on our “signs of the apocolypse” list this week is Sesame Street. This week PBS unveiled a new Sesame Street webisode focusing on divorce. I don’t know about most parents out there, but I want my kids learning their ABC’s and what color a banana is when I leave them in front of the boobtube completely unsupervised. Divorce? What the bleep? I can see Big Bird talking about how his life is in shambles because he now has to pay alimony and child support because Mrs. Bird took everything. Picture Oscar the Grouch bitching that he should have had Mrs. Grouch sign a prenuptial agreement before rolling his trash can down the aisle. Or maybe they can show the Cookie Monster begrudgingly dividing up half of his cookies to give to Mrs. Monster. You get the point. I’m sorry, but life is hard enough. Let kids be kids. Close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. These kids have 20 years to find out how hard life is out in the big,bad,real world. Let them find out for themselves. The good news is that Sesame Street has announced that they are tackling the issues of gay marriage, the legalization of marijuana, and the 10 year manhunt for Osama Bin Laden early in 2013.
Speaking of divorce, our second sign of the apocalypse award winner goes to Kelsey Grammer. We officially have a nasty split on our hands folks. It is being reported that since Grammer separated from his wife Camille, his children are “not allowed to speak the name” of his wife while they are at his home. Camille has officially entered Lord Voldemort “she who must not be named” territory. Not all news is bad news from the Grammer household, there is a small list of names Kelsey allows his children to use to address his estranged wife. Bitch, whore, and gold digger being three of the five. I have my sources working on the other two. Situations like this aren’t out of the ordinary. In my household, my wife is only allowed to call me “Big Sexy” or when I’m in an especially good mood, she can call me Esteban. Don’t ask.
According to People Magazine, the Justin Timberlake/Jessical Biel union was the most searched for celebrity wedding on Google this year. I feel personally responsible for getting these two to the top of the list. I googled Justin Timberlake 2,647 times in the month of November alone. I am no longer a closeted Justin Timberlake fan. I just came out on Steve’s weekly Hump Day column. Ain’t nobody love you like I love you.
This next bit of news made me ecstatic for a brief moment and then depressed the living shit out of me three seconds later. In the United Kingdom, being a Jedi Knight is being recognized as a religion. According to the British Census, there were 176,632 write in’s for Jedi Knight as a practiced religion. This makes me extremely happy because I’ve always believed in Master Yoda’s mantra that simply states ” Christ Jedi a Jesus Was”. This news also makes me extremely sad because I live in the wrong bleeping country.
Yesterday, a “secret” shuttle launch took place in Cape Canaveral. This was the second time in the past few weeks that a “secret” launch has occurred. Word from my sources tells me that Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi, and Will Patton were all on board the shuttle. Really? Are you telling me that these supposed “secret” launchings don’t have anything to do with a large asteroid hitting the planet Earth in the next 10 days? You are probably wondering how I know about these secret launchings? That my friends is none of your damn business.
Drew Barrymore opened up to People magazine about life with her baby daughter Olive. I’m sorry Drew but you aren’t doing your civic duty as a celebrity that states that you have to name your child something completely outrageous. I actually like the name Olive. What were you thinking? Out of sheer curiosity I did a quick search of celebrity baby names to see if I could get enough names to cover the 6 major food groups. Sadly, the mission ended in failure as I could only produce the names Olive, Apple and Diva Muffin. But I didn’t come away empty handed. The list of outlandish names I discovered was mind numbing. I will now disclose some of the names I found. I will not reveal the celebrity who decided to name thier child after a body of water, a planet,or a fictional character in an animated Disney movie. Nope. They will not get that attention from me. Okay, are you ready? Here we go. Banjo, Daisy Boo, Pilot Inspektor, Moon Unit, Ocean, Petal Rainbow Blossom, Audio Science, Poppy Honey, Sparrow James Midnight, Trig, Track,and Zuma Nesta Rock. Those are only some of the names I found. I especially like Pilot Inspektor with a K, freaking ingenious, and for personal reasons I liked Poppy Honey because my wife calls me Poopy Honey, so that hit close to home. On a side note, Gladiator star Russell Crowe and Danielle Spencer had the balls to name thier kid Charles.
One more quick thought, Megan Fox was recently in the news because while giving birth, she was in so much pain, she had to “scream for an epidural”. Why is this news? Don’t most women scream for an epidural? She also stated she was on “level Orange pain alert”. Maybe I am socially retarded, but I would find it disturbing if my wife didn’t “scream for an epidural”. That would most likely tell me that my wife is an alien who knows no pain and from that moment on I would sleep with my eyes open with a knife under my pillow. A woman that doesn’t want an epidural is not to be trusted. Also, when did they start color coding different levels of pain at the hospital? ” Level Orange pain alert”? I thought that was reserved as a terrorism notification system mostly seen at the airport or scrolling on the bottom of my television screen while watching the news. From now on when my wife asks me if I have a headache, I’m going to tell her I’m at a level orange.
Enough from the entertainment side of the spectrum. I only have one thought from the world of sports and this is my NUMBER ONE reason that the world is going to end in 10 days. Former Boston Red Sox first baseman Kevin “Youk” Youkilis signed with the New York Yankees. I now have a blue Red Sox Kevin Youkilis jersey that went from a throwback jersey to a throw away jersey.
That’s it. My tank has officially hit empty. Steve will be back next week to talk more sports and entertainment news. If you are lucky, he will give you his review of Sesame Street: The Aids Epidemic in Africa. As my great friend Yoda says “Weekend all a great you have”!