by Scott Peterson
Hump Day Thoughts on Sports and Stuff
Hello everyone. Scott here. Normally your good buddy Steve would be hard at work writing this column, but he threw his back out yesterday and is currently shackled to a recliner watching reruns of The Maury Povich Show. Okay, that’s a blatant lie. Steve didn’t throw his back out, but between you and me, he has a man crush on Maury Povich. He contacted me late last night and said that he’s burnt out. He was going to pull a Dave Chapelle and just walk away. He didn’t like the direction this weekly column was headed in and he promptly gave me a list of demands. I won’t disclose the full list of demands but I will tell you that one of them was a request to “clear” Elmo’s good name and another was a grilled cheese sandwich with the crust removed. Anyhow, I gave Steve the week off and I will try to keep the music pumping, the beer flowing, the flux capacitor fluxxing, okay you get the point. I will start off by apologizing for the title of this weekly article. Why is it called hump day ? Isn’t that a tad assuming? What if you work on the weekends? In my humble opinion there is no such thing as hump day. It’s not fair for the folks out there that have work retail or have Tuesday and Wednesday off. Now that I have that out-of-the-way, let me get a few things off my chest. Sports, movies,entertainment news, any and all topics are on the table.Here we go. Rapid fire time. I was startled to hear the news that Frankie Muniz from TV’s Malcolm in the Middle had a minor stroke. In other news the Olsen twins were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. This is an early sign that the Mayan’s were right and the world will end in a couple of weeks. The little kid in Malcolm in the Middle had a freaking stroke. Jesus Christ I’m getting old. Pro Wrestling legend Ric Flair’s wife filed for separation over the weekend calling him a “dirty cheater”. Does this mean he committed adultery or hit her with a steel chair while she had her back turned? Another loving marriage flushed down the toilet. Why do people have to file for separation? Shouldn’t you just separate for a period of time and then file for divorce? Why pay twice is all I’m saying? Filthy lawyers. CNN’s Anderson Cooper confirmed via Twitter that he went temporarily blind last week on an assignment in Portugal. Cooper lied down to take a nap in his posh Portuguese hotel and woke up in Honduras with no kidney in a bathtub full of ice. The silver linings here are that Cooper’s eyesight returned and we now have the plot for Hostel 3 starring Anderson Cooper. Speaking of silver linings, Silver Linings Playbook and Argo are my two favorite films this year. They will both battle for the best picture winner at this years Oscars. Big news everyone, there is going to be a royal birth. Prince William of House Stark knocked up some girl named Kate Middleton from House Targaryen and they are going to have a baby. Yawn! Who cares? By far the weirdest story in the entertainment world this week was Angus T. Jones ( the fat kid in Two and a Half Men) trashing the popular TV show this week, calling the show “filth” and saying ” he doesn’t want to be on the show anymore” Rumor is that he wanted “Charlie Sheen Money” and this was all a negotiating tactic concocted by his agents. This is Angus T. Jones contract year. Why would he continue to star in such “trash” for only $300,000 and episode?
Keeping this party moving, we jump on over to the world of sports. Can someone please explain to me how the Miami Heat (13-3) lost to the Washington Wizards (1-13)? All season, the Miami Heat have been winning games they should be losing. If it weren’t for the heroics of Ray Allen, the Heat could easily have 3 more losses this season. Maybe this is their wake up call. As fate would have it, The New York Knicks roll in to South Beach tomorrow night. As I type this sentence, Dwight Howard missed another free throw. Seriously, what’s up with the Los Angeles Lakers? Kobe Bryant can’t do it all. I still wouldn’t hit the panic button, but we are getting closer. My beloved Boston Red Sox have made some pretty bad moves the past couple days. My guess is that signing Mike Napoli and Shane Victorino to identical 3 year 39 million deals did nothing to talk loyal Sox fans away from the ledge. That bridge Theo Epstein promised us a couple of years ago is finally here. Josh Hamilton or bust. In other baseball news, former Brewer Robin Yount accidentally shot current Chicago Cubs skipper Dale Sveum in a hunting accident. My sources tell me that Yount has had his eyes on the Cubs managerial position for some time now. My guess is that Yount was aiming for the head and hit the ear. Okay that joke was in poor taste, but doesn’t this sound like a CSI:Miami episode? I can see David Caruso slowly taking off his sunglasses.
One more thing, the New Orleans Hornets will be known as the New Orleans Pelicans starting next year. This has to the LEAST intimidating sports name in the history of sports.I’m done yapping your ears off. Hopefully Steve will come back to his senses and see that he really has a great thing going with this column. Sometimes it takes a day or two away and a Sesame Street sex scandal to put things back in to perspective. I’m off to make Steve that grilled cheese sandwich ( No crust). I hope you all have a great weekend.